The Pursuit of Happiness
~ and unlocking the superpower of inner peace ~
^ if you’d rather *hear* me out ;)
Hi friend. Long time. 187 days, to be exact.
This is my favorite month of the year– the month of giving and gratitude, which usually prompts both reflection and resolution to get ahead of January*. *This says so much about me if you understand the subtext, ha. Several themes have come up as I’ve looked back on the last 187 days (315, if you’re counting from January 1st) and the resounding emphasis is around gratitude for inner peace: hard-fought, routinely practiced, inner peace.
Now, the journey to inner peace first started as an expedition to find consistent, genuine happiness: a feeling that had been elusive in two years of isolation and much loss– professionally, with friends and amongst family. The post-Covid blues (can I claim this term?) exposed shadows that lay in waiting still two years later: an unwavering dissatisfaction and heaviness that overshadowed my practiced, meditative awareness.
How could I possibly be so unsatisfied when I’ve written daily gratitudes for over 1,500 days?
How could I be so unhappy when I’ve essentially received all I’ve ever wanted?
And how could I muster the energy to change my circumstances when I was passing out from exhaustion by 7:30 every night?
As these questions surfaced and resurfaced between sporadic morning pages, I came to realize that consistently being “tired” was a signal for depression. Depression, a big and scary word that feels as unwieldy to anyone who hears the phrase without first-hand experience, as anyone who might be impacted by it.
For me, depression came as a rolling fog: light and unsuspecting. It was different than my high school experience. This time, it settled gently in the nooks and crannies of my mind – deep grooves that I didn’t know to strengthen – until somehow, one day, all at once, there was a veil between the exuberance I generally knew was possible and the reality I was experiencing. For those of you who have seen Inside Out, remember that moment when Sadness touches previous memories and turns them blue? Well, after three years of unintentional contagion, I was eager for Joy to be back in the driver’s seat.
And so, the last 315 days have been a commitment to remembering, redefining and reclaiming my happiness. To balancing Type 2 fun with Type 1 fun, and choosing the people, places and things that energize me. I guess you could say that this was my expression of faith: trusting that every decision, however small or seemingly insignificant, could culminate into something greater. This intentional, unintentional unfolding has been an incredible realization of free will in co-creation with divine order. While I pursued happiness, what I found was inner peace.
A peace that was practiced and nurtured: breath by breath.
Peace, culminating from 315 rebirths.
Peace: the superpower you unlock when you’re able to come back to the present moment, without attachment or judgment.
The unexpected byproduct of this inner peace has been a profound clarity that’s ignited a newfound sense of passion and purpose. This clarity ebbs and flows, as does life, as does the inner peace, but after 315 days of consistent practice, there’s enough muscle memory to recall what it feels like to live in alignment.
I’m deeply grateful for my own reemergence at this specific time in history. I’m thankful for California’s protections and for my own autonomy so that I can champion what sovereignty looks like for all women, and for all people. I am appreciative of the indigenous teachings that have shaped many of my beliefs, and for the opportunity to help bridge worlds: east and west; old and new.
There’s a lot that’s been brewing and I’ll have more to share soon.
For now, my prayer remains: “May all beings be happy. May all beings be peaceful. May all beings be free from suffering.”
With deep love and gratitude,
沈鑫 // Em Shen
